Night 1
She's home, curled up beside her father while reading a book. The Philosopher gently petting her hair. It's both a memory and not a memory. The book she's reading is written in Deep Speech.
[You will never go home. You will always be hunted for what you are.]
She looks up, The Philosopher has been replaced with Yuo in his helmet. She watches it break.
"Starspawn."
The closest she's ever been to understanding what she is, from an Architect meant to kill or capture her. Someone meant to silence what should not be.
"I should not be." She whispers to herself, yet it echoes through the space.
"If you continue to travel with her, you two may find yourselves way over your heads."
"The longer you're only going to put those around you in danger."
"You might do yourself some good by turning yourself into us. Save yourself some heartbreak."
"Silence things that should not be known by the rest of existence. The starspawn is one of them."
"Thanks for the soup, Izzie."
She's in the deserts. He's walking away. She wants to know more, understand more. Then, there's many of him. Coming closer. An assault team. Why gods why was he attractive? Why did she need to run from someone that clearly needed help?
"Maybe I'm just a dog that's had my chain yanked too many times."
She blinks, and she's in the wreckage of the Xanthous camp. Prophet and her friends lie dead at her feet. Men in Yuo's armor, the face masks on, surround her.
"Surrender, Starspawn."
She whispers to herself "I should have gave up." and it echoes around her.
She hears Faram yelling "The First Lord is back, right?!"
She hears herself theorizing he's from the future..
Something about that name, The First Lord.. It hurts so much. It hurts. It hurts.
She falls to her knees. She's melting. Turning back into whatever she was before The Philosopher had her.
Then she jolts awake.
Night 2
She is not herself. She is a monster, black as void. There are voices in her head whispering and mumbling. Men have come to kill her, and she doesn't understand why. An army of spelljammers comes in behind them to lay suppressing fire. Why are they hurting me? What did I do wrong? I want to be like you. This unity. This happiness. Why can't it be mine, too?
The other voices vanish, she is somewhere else all alone. She cannot see, she can barely feel the cold ground beneath her. Noise is muted, distant. They're hurting her again. She can't see them. She tries to get away, but hits a wall. Each attempt to remove the pain is met with more walls. She is trapped. It hurts. She's so hungry.
The wall she leans on is replaced by warmth. Mana so large and overflowing it fills her with energy. Her thoughts become more than 'avoid pain' and 'hungry'. Her senses sharpen. She holds onto this precious life a bit longer. She looks up. It's The Philosopher. Father. She blurbles at him as a baby would.
She thinks loudly "Finally I can understand happiness."
"You who have saved me..." "I will protect you with my life."
"I want to stand beside you.""You gave me this chance to live."
"If this is what love feels like..." "Then I can't wait to experience more."
For a flash, she sees Yuo for some reason, setting a fluttering feeling in her chest.
She wakes up.
Night 3
"I am the one who will bring this era of stagnation to its next frightening conclusion. Compared to you, little Izzie... and that lust for destruction... I am nothing. All I'd need to do is pluck the life of our little clay soldier over there... and I wouldn't even need the skull."
There's a flash where she imagines Tibby crushing Yuo's skull like a grape. It's gorey and horrible.
"Oh yes, that's what I'm talking about. That is the darkness I have been searching for. Come on then... Izzie." He walks towards her. "Why don't you stop me before I take everything from you. Do you know how easily I could do it?"
"Like plucking flowers..."
She's panicking. She knows she's ugly right now, covered in the eyes. She's imagining her friends, dead, the darkness she knows will consume her. The dream shifts back to that horrible moment.
"I don't know what corruption you worked on Executor Yuo... but he paid with his life for it. I took his life with my own hand. Just as I will take the lives of all those who associate with you."
They killed him because of me. BECAUSE OF ME. HE'S DEAD BECAUSE OF ME.
She's trying to kill Orenoch. She has to save her friends. She has to bring back Yuo. Has to. Has to. Nothing's working. Her spells are dismissed. She can't do anything. She's so weak and worthless. So ugly. She can't save anyone.
Yuo's alive. He saves her instead.
Then she's back with Tibby. He's going to kill him. She just got him back. She can't let him. She'll really lose it. She just wants him to go away. She's never been so scared in her life.
He thanks her. She's awakened the First Lord. She will never be redeemed for this sin.
She remember's Faram's words. "The First Lord is back, right?!"
The First Lord never left, because of her.
She should have turned herself in.
She wakes up.
Night 4
She's being held in Yuo's arms again. Carried away, across desert dunes.
"I'm glad you gave up, Izzie."
"Wh-what?"
Mie is beside him, but Yuo continues "Save yourself some heartbreak."
"If you continue to travel with her, you two may find yourselves way over your heads."
"The longer you're only going to put those around you in danger."
"Compared to you, little Izzie... and that lust for destruction... I am nothing."
"The masked man has definitely used the darkness that resides inside Izzie's heart to awaken the slumbering consciousness of the First Lord."
She'll never be redeemed. Sinner. Monster. Spawn of The First Lord. Orenoch stands across from the group as they march ever closer despite making no progress.
"The Philosopher told me everything... About Izzie... about how different she was than the First Lord... And about how she might be a force for good. In the end, he asked me what I intended to do. I told him I would defend Izzie. He never once gave up hope that his daughter was not a force of evil. And I have to say... that I believe that too."
"I don't see any evil in this girl"
"Izzie being evil feels... incomprehensible. It feels like a law of nature being broken"
"I'm inclined to agree. Her actions speak louder than her past, and Sire's judgment is one I trust wholeheartedly."
Then she's back, at that ugly moment. Yuo's dead, she's nearly like *him* as she tries to kill Orenoch. Then he's alive, she's in his arms as Tibby threatens to kill him.
"I should have let him take me in..."
She looks into Yuo's eyes. Her heart is pounding with feeling. The helpless fluttering in her chest.
"Save yourself some heartbreak."
She looks at her hands, her ugly eye-covered form. She's a monster.
She looks at Yuo and gulps. She doesn't want these feelings, but she has them. She can't stop now.
"Starspawn."
That's right.. He'd never accept her.
She wakes up.
Night 6
This black abyss she knows from somewhere else, far, far before. She's being swallowed by the emptiness. The nothing consuming her entirely. She can't scream in this void without sound. She looks up trying to avoid the inevitable and a bright red eye stares down at her and blinks slowly with disinterest. She knows that eye. She reaches out to it with her stained black tentacles and shrieks soundlessly at them. She looks down. She is the void, black nothingness covered in blood red eyes. She is The First.
Then she notices him. The dummy who stands there judging. She tries to speak but words don't come out. Instead, the dummy lashes out at her with psychic energy. She resists, and fights back with the same. He resists. In this stalemate where diplomacy does not exist, where she is the thing she fears most, Izzie cries out wishing for a savior.
Her true father arrives, so much larger than her, his multiple red eyes staring down at her. She can't scream out. He wraps her in his black tentacles she can only see by the slivers of glossy light that shine off of them from the glow of his eyes. He squeezes and she screams soundlessly over and over until she is nothing.
She wakes up shaking and tired.
Night 7
She's being praised as a hero in her beautiful new dress. The crowd hoists her up and she surfs across, landing at the feet of Yuo that she looks up to. It's a wonderful view of that strange third eye of his, the sun behind him like a beautiful halo.
She's saying what she really wanted to in the market. "I love you, but I'm not strong enough and I don't know what to do."
Yuo's smile is gentle. "Save yourself some heartbreak, Starspawn."
She's not herself now. She's a backseat driver. She reaches out with her magic and makes him compliant. He speaks again "Izzie..."
He picks her up, their faces are close. Internally she's screaming. Not like this. Not by forcing him to do this. She's not Astral! She's not Felyndiira!
Then he drops her onto the ground. "Do you do this to every boy you meet, Starspawn?"
She can hear Orenoch "I don't know what corruption you worked on Executor Yuo..."
And then Yuo continues "You only do it because it's ME, right? You're disgusting."
Izzie starts to cry. She's herself again. She's covered in eyes. She's turning into the monster again.
She hears Tibby "-are we all going to just keep pretending we don't care about her amorphousness... or the tentacles... or the eyes all over her body."
She can't help the feelings in her chest even as he's breaking her heart.
She wakes up in Mie's arms.
Night 8
Illivarra's song plays. Izzie can't help but sway her body to it. She can see Leto's horrible demise, but it is blurry and distant. The pain there is too much. The song is safety and calm. She wants to lose herself to it.
Then she's in Yuo's arms. His radiant golden wings extended. "The longer you pretend to be just some girl, the longer you're putting those around you in danger."
She's the one who says the words that haunt her. "I should have turned myself in. Saved myself some heartbreak."
Yuo's hair moves with the static-like grace of Haste. "So why didn't you?"
She gulps. "Because I love you. The way you make me feel. I'm afraid of what will happen if I truly give up."
"The destruction wrought here is but the beginning of suffering that shall be felt across these cosmos." she hears echoing, the voice accompanied by the splatter of Leto's final death.
She tries to dismiss the pain. She can't handle another night of nightmares. She needs this peace. This feeling of being in Yuo's arms. She needs one good dream.
He kisses her. It's brief and wonderful. "You're really amazing, Izzie. You're a really sweet girl and I can't help but want to protect you."
That's right.. She has Yuo now. She has Yuo. Yuo is undeniably hers. She is Yuo's girl in turn. There has been one victory.
Things shift, it's his hands on her small back, pressing her soft, squishy body to his. Then it's her lying against his back after a massage. She's made sure he smells like her. Her guardian that makes her feel so safe..
The echoing fear of losing him comes back now and again, but she pushes it down and away by chanting his measurements and remembering every detail of his scars.
And then it stops working. It's Orenoch's voice in her ear. "You’d best hold all that you care about tight. Because they can all be taken away.”
Orenoch stands over Yuo and Mie's dead bodies. “My eyes may not work, but I never lose sight of the things that interest me.” He smiles wide like a predator seeing prey. “Your health and prosperity are my priorities after all.”
Izzie tries to back away from him as she loses control. “Perhaps by the end of all of this, you will even see me as a beloved uncle. If not more.”
She wakes up soaked in tears just as Orenoch looms over her in the dream. Mie’s arms securely around her.
Night 9
Yuo leans against the railing of the ship looking deep in thought. She spies on him from the stairs, and the captain hasn’t betrayed her presence despite the mental snicker. There is nothing about Yuo that Izzie doesn’t like. His fluffy, messy, radiance-white hair, his gray eyes always alight with feeling, his lips always in a gentle smile or a pensive subtle pout. He is always rather relaxed, and yet can unsheathe his blade in an instant where his eyes shine with ferocity. His scar has healed cleanly, a perfect cut that is perfectly darkened to the color of his lips. Lips she wants to taste again-
She shakes her head, only to find herself somewhere else, his arms around her. His gloved hands gently squeezing her to him. Close up like this, it's easy to see his purple jacket is nearly the same color as her. His gi may hang a little loose, but with her body pressed to his she can feel the muscles underneath. His eyes gazing into hers with such affection it's hard to believe how shortly they’ve known each other. She feels like she’s known him forever.
Then they’re together, his shirt is off. How lovely those muscles look and how dearly she wanted to touch them. She recounts his scars with her mind compartmentalized. 4, 5, 6. How wonderful that he doesn’t see her as a monster.. 9, 10, 11. That he wears her colors and isn’t bothered by her slimy nature.. 16, 17, 18. That he is approved of by her father to be her knight, her guardian angel.. 23, 24, 25.. Everything starts to drift away. She loves those scars as much as the rest of him. As much as his smile. As much as the feel of her hands in his. It only takes his smile to get her heart pounding..
Izzie wakes up feeling needy for Yuo.
Night 10
It's late as Izzie tucks the children in. Keanu and Mie are up top doing who knows what at this hour, but she doesn’t want to pry or spy. She would much rather take this excuse to bother Yuo, because she hasn’t gotten nearly her fill of him yet. How could she? He’s just so, him.
“Not going to go to bed without Mie?”
“Ah, uh, I suppose not. It is her cuddling me, generally.” Izzie wants to ask if he’ll cuddle her instead, but doesn’t. How crass that would be.
Her imagination flickers. How wonderful it would be in his arms. How warm his body must be. How easily he could curl around her-
The vision vanishes. She’s back in the moment. Back in this replay. They’re sitting together now, quietly laughing as she tells him all the things he missed before he rejoined them against Orenoch. Things she hasn’t had time to tell him. She doesn’t like to talk about her past too much. Not yet, she thinks. It's a little tragic to be so lonely.
Then the ship shakes and sends them sprawling from their seats, Yuo somehow manages to grab her and tuck himself under her. Izzie freezes rather than recover, her bright blush visible in the reflection on his eyes. Her body pinned under his.
“Are you alright?” He asks with innocence.
She’s looming over him. She wants to do something. Anything. His face is so close to hers. It wouldn’t be wrong. They’re lovers.
She moves for a kiss she didn’t actually get to do as everything disappears.
Night 11
She walks in a void that ripples like water as she moves. Yuo is waiting for her in the only spot of light. Unscarred, untouched, untainted. His radiant wings are spread and pointed forward like an inviting embrace. Just before she can touch him, she hits an invisible wall. She feels the wall up at the same Yuo does. There is no panic in his eyes, only steely resolve to reach her.
Izzie bashes herself against the wall once, twice, thrice, only stopping when Yuo asks. She looks into his eyes that are ringed with radiance, and then the light that has followed him like a spotlight flickers out. She can’t see him in the darkness.
A voice echoes in the space "-but he paid with his life for it. I took his life with my own hand. Just as I will take the lives of all those who associate with you."
The light flickers back on. Yuo’s scar is back. A fresh bleeding wound down his face. He looks panicked a moment as he falls to his knees, his eyes barely quick enough to meet hers before the lights go out again.
“-All I'd need to do is pluck the life of our little clay soldier over there.”
The lights come back and she sees Yuo in the grasp of black tentacles barely visible in the poor lighting. He’s being strangled. Blood pours down his face still. His strangled cry is what triggers the lights this time.
"Why don't you stop me before I take everything from you. Do you know how easily I could do it? Like plucking flowers..."
He’s on the ground this time as the light comes back. Bloody with strangle bruises and gods know how many injuries under his newly torn clothing. He appears to be struggling to breathe, but he has a weak smile. “You’re okay..” he says, just before the lights are gone.
"You’d best hold all that you care about tight. Because they can all be taken away.”
The lights come back and nothing has changed for Yuo. His wings disappear as he lies there. Izzie can feel her control slipping. If she just turned herself in, or gave up, or something, Yuo would never be hurt again. The only reason people want to hurt him now is because of her. She backs away from the barrier between them, into the consuming darkness.
“Izzie?” Yuo asks with wide eyes. Theres fear in them. He doesn’t want to lose her.
“You were right Yuo, I should’ve saved myself some heartbreak. I should’ve saved you the heartbreak too.”
“Izzie, no!” he cries, struggling to get up, to do anything to reach her. But it's already too late.
Izzie wakes up the same moment she vanishes into the dark.
Night 12
She’s not really anywhere right now. Her thoughts are too loud and messy to truly dream. She hasn’t come up with a location to be at or a plot to follow. No.. tonight Izzie is painfully lucid. It's not a state she likes to be in, but one she has found herself in by accident. Yuo just happens to be too kind, too sweet, too wonderful. He is what she thought he’d be. Attentive and wise, kind and gentle, sweet and caring. He is the perfect material for a father, for a husband, for a boyfriend, for a lover. Far too good for someone like her, for an aberration, for a monster. Ah, but he’d chastise thoughts like that..
But a monster is what she feels like, leading him on like this. She doesn’t really want to take him to that final battle where she’s liable to die and he’s liable to be hurt. She doesn’t want him to try and stop her. She doesn’t want to say goodbye. She confessed because its what Leto would’ve wanted. She didn’t want to die without confessing her feelings. She didn’t expect them to be returned. She didn’t want them returned. There’s no easy out now.
She groans in her sleep. There’s no answer she wants to commit to. She’s trying to enjoy the ride, but doesn’t know how to turn off her anxious thoughts. She’s always been an overthinker and overplanner. She likes being prepared for every occasion and doesn’t like surprises too much. Adventuring has been nothing but surprises. Other people are nothing but surprises. Is it any wonder she’s in this situation, then? Hopelessly smitten when she should be anything but..
Izzie wakes up painfully aware of her own dream.
Night 13
It’s her first holiday, the High Harvestide. She’s barely learned a lick of common, speaking in deep speech telepathy still much of the time. Father is laying out plate after plate of food. “Philosopher. This is too much food. What are these foods called?”
He smiles gently “You don’t have to eat it all. I want you to be able to try many things and learn what you enjoy.”
Izzie nods, her humanoid form is vague and soft. She climbs into the chair with a bit of effort and sits curiously “But what are foods called? Food-names important if going to tell what liked.”
He points at each in turn. He names them each as Izzie nods and repeats. His thoughts in deep speech, his words in common. She’s learning so much just talking to him normally.
She ate so many things. So, so many. Sample after sample, the whole week long! She worked so hard to form a good hand to make a good hand-turkey, and she worked really hard on a moonlit masquerade costume. She decided to be a knight, in flowing robes like her father, with golden armor over it. The way he smiled at her..
It’s her first Feast of the Moon and she’s so excited for Santa. She’s been good, and hasn’t given the Philosopher a single problem all month. She’s been going to bed on time, and doing her chores right when she wakes, and working extra hard on all her lessons. The Philosopher has gotten her a Feastmas dress for the occasion that she puts on with care. Then she rushes to the tree, blurbling with excitement as she sees all the presents!
“A-all this?! For me?!”
The Philosopher laughs “It seems you’ve missed a few Feastmas, and had a backlog.”
She tears into the gifts with such glee. Everything is new and wonderful. All things she needed. All things she still has, up until the day she left. The candy lasts her all week, and she spends so much of that week riding the sugar high of hot chocolate and peppermint sticks. So many stories read by the fire..
Izzie wakes up homesick.
Night 14
Mizuko is at the tower with her. Mizuko is tall and pretty, her tail shines in the light as it wags. Every inch of her oozes such cool that Izzie could melt. “You’re here to see the Philosopher too?” Izzie says with a shake in her voice. Why is Minoru walking ahead to the elevator, but not her?
“Oh no, I’m here for you! Minoru told me about you, and I just had to meet such a cutie pie! I’m Mizuko! You can even give me a nickname if you’d like.”
Izzie blushes “O-oh, well.. I-I’m Izzie!”
Mizuko smiles wide and warm “I brought something to do if you’d like. Would you like to learn how to cook?”
Izzie lights up, her colors vivid and bright “Yes! That sounds great!”
All the instructions are a blur of activity, until they settle into the rhythm. The waiting. The stirring.
“S-so, do you like the Cardinal Legends?”
Mizuko laughs gently “My favorite Legend is.. Hmm.. Probably Le’Faye? I can respect a girl following a man who doesn’t notice her. I had to do a whole song and dance routine to make Minoru notice me!” She laughs, and Izzie’s eye catches the wedding ring.
“It must be nice to be a wife..” Izzie says without thinking.
Mizuko sighs “Has its ups and downs. Really, since we live at the inn I spend a lot of time managing, not too much has changed from dating to marriage.”
“Oh? Your job has.. Wife skills?”
Mizuko nods “Housewifes and bar maids do a lot of the same things. Cleaning, cooking, people skills.. I suppose thats why they’re called bar maids as in maiden, and not just bar.. Workers, I guess.”
Izzie nods in understanding, internalizing how maids are like wives as the timer goes off and they finish the stew.
Mizuko’s tail wags excessively on trying it “Oh, you are my little protege!”
“R-really?!”
Mizuko nods “Of course, I’m your Auntie Mizuko! I’ll always try to train you in whatever you’d like.”
Izzie gasps. She’s never had family other than the Philosopher. “R-really.. Auntie?”
“Yeah. You need family other than the old man. There’s secrets only shared between girls. I’ll bring one next time.”
“A secret..”
Izzie remembers the secret.. The makeup-creating set.. The mess they made with Izzie’s powder-covered slime.. It's all a blur, as her sleepy mind wakes.
Izzie wakes up longing for her precious Auntie..