Why Nonbinary? Demigirl?

I've spent my entire life getting told I'm not feminine enough. You're a tomboy, say my friends at the lunch table. Tomboys are sporty you can't be a tomboy, say my parents. You look like a butch, says my father, embarrassed of me. Stand up straight and use push-up bras, my mom says, you need to make your boobs show or you look like a boy. You're a gamer girl, several men have said to me incredulously. You're a fake gamer girl, most of them say, realizing I don't play mobas or shooters. You're not like other girls, people say, sometimes a compliment and sometimes an insult. You're not girly enough, say the women I try to socialize with. I don't talk like them, apparently, but my voice still 'bounces' in pitch like any other girl. Some people who have never heard me speak are more willing to think I am a gay man than a woman.

I never liked playing with barbies or baby dolls. I never liked makeup or making my hair fancy or elaborate. Never liked pink or anything stereotypically girly. But I like lolita and the softer gyaru styles. I like little animals and gardening. Yet I don't have a maternal bone in my body for kids. I will never have children. Everything else about my hobbies and interests is masculine-dominated.

My womanhood, my femininity, is something others feel inclined to strip from me or otherwise lessen because I do not live up to society's idea of a woman. I am attached to it, attached to the fact I love dresses and my feminine body. I will gladly stop being a woman (the universe seems intent on taking it from me anyway) but I will not entirely discard the 'girl culture' I was raised in either. This makes me a demigirl because I still identify partly as a girl, but the rest of me? The rest of me is androgynous and yet feminine.

What About Fingirl?

Fin is the shorthand for feminine in gender terms for some reason beyond my understanding. My gender is 'something feminine' and I identify as a girl still, and therefore my gender would be Fingirl. The irony of my username and this revelation is not lost on me.

You can't be more feminine than masculine and be androgynous!

Without top surgery, without going on T, I will always look like a woman. I can wear men's clothing (I already do) and partake in masculine hobbies and still get clocked as a woman because that's what my body is. I will always be more feminine than I am masculine because I like my body as it is. I do like and even admire androgyny. It feels right for me, even if I will never pass as one properly. If society says I'm too feminine to be perfectly 50/50 androgynous, then I'll accept my 70/30 thank you very much.

You're Cis-passing With She Pronouns! You're A Faker!

She/They. He doesn't feel right but I don't correct it because it doesn't bother me that bad. Haters can stay mad, I know myself and my feelings. Do I use my cis-passing privilege? Yeah, but it doesn't feel good.

Why Demisexual?

I know how horniness works, or is supposed to work. I've only ever been genuinely horny for one person. I don't feel anything for naked bodies, don't understand the obsession looking at random genitalia, and my interest in my blorbos relates back to that one lovely person (my dearest significant other). I have never sought out porn for my own use and when I have, I did not understand why that spark never happens for me. I never really stopped and thought about this experience having a label until recently, but I'm glad to find out I'm not alone in being ace while enjoying the emotional intimacy and closeness of sex. I like feeling loved and sharing that feeling of being loved. I want my partner to feel good because they deserve it. This is not the same as the animalistic need to breed that overtakes other people. The pooling heat I do not experience. Even with my beloved, my sexual attraction is very muted. I wish it had occurred to me to investigate this before spending $200 usd in sex toys and finding out its more like a good massage... But hey, the chemicals released from sex are good for controlling my adrenaline problems.

But Wait, You're Pansexual!

Yes. Gender does not factor into my attraction. Only my deep emotional connection. This connection has not formed with any of my close friends despite the long years and plenty of time bonding, and I suspect it never will.

But You're Not Demiromantic?

Nope! I would love to date my blorbos and objectively understand the hotness of people in a romantic sense. Would I date you? Absolutely not! I would never cheat on my significant other after all these years! If you want a polycule, go through him not me.

What's His Deal Anyway?

Bi and 100% cis male. Dresses and pink sweaters do not reduce or harm his masculinity and power to it. Far less complicated. His Bi-ness tends to be female-leaning because the type of people he likes tends to be girls, but we've agreed to share G'raha Tia. He's also supportive of me 100%

That's Just A Hetero Relationship!

Don't gatekeep and erase pan and bi identities. I know my relationship passes and I don't care. I will still be at pride and I will still be in pride spaces. He'll be with me, probably wearing a bi pride shirt I made for him so you can't erase him. Just because he likes women more often than men does not mean he's not queer. Most people don't erase me since I am fairly open about my interest in women, though he is far too polite to be as open as I am.