Scholar's Note

Several pages are scratched out or ripped out here. It's clear Lady Izzie went through several drafts before divising the next entry. It's important at this juncture, Lady Izzie was still writing entries more to organize her thoughts and tell her adventures to her father rather than for herself.

Entry 3

I am so sorry. I know, logically, that losing control of oneself in grief is not unusual. That does not make it okay. Had I scared my friends, had I lost an ounce more control, these events would have gone very differently. Thank you for saving Yuo. I'm sure you know what I would've done had you not. I thought I had killed him indirectly by showing mercy and kindness. I thought the values you'd given me were wrong. I became afraid of causing the death of anyone else or letting Orenoch kill again. So, thank you again. I'm sure you know how I feel about Yuo without me saying anything.

Yet, this didn't stop me from losing people. I helped in causing Empress Ahjii to be banished. I am the one who caused the First Lord to be revived in my fear of losing a friend. I realize it's not the fault of my values, but a fault of myself. I'm a monster. People will be hurt by association. I knew as much when I met Yuo. To cause the rise of the First, though... I've doomed the Planescape. The deaths he causes are because of me. I am a monster.

I should document what's happened so far, not angst.

Starting from the top, I was really sad about how things went down with the wyvern and don't really understand how Faram got through to him. He does have a dragon wife, though, so maybe something with that helped? He also got us through the walls into town, which was pretty scary. Then I chased after that weird fox, and I don't think anyone even really believes me about it. I know fate works in mysterious ways, and that fox was definitely fate-related. Galbeth blew up a building to get us in trouble and saw through my disguise. Had the fox not run into that alley I might've stayed behind or gotten swept up with Leto. I don't know why he made that distraction instead of following us. He's really strong, and I should do something nice for him. That spell looks like it hurt badly.

The Empress was strange. I kind of wish I could speak with that strange pictogram language. It seems really useful. She seems nice, somewhat like myself even. I'm still not sure what was with Tib or Galbeth. To fall from grace as a Cardinal Legend... What am I missing in their stories? There was also that werewolf guy who seemed to be more for us than the empire. That was nice. We fought with the Architects. Drakken came to help. We abandoned him.

I liked talking to the Empress on the ship. It felt nice to find someone with such a similar energy! And.. then she's gone. Maybe dead. Tib came to us. Threatened to kill Yuo. I got scared. I wanted him to stop. My power tried to make him. The First Lord will rise because of it. Yuo.. is probably disappointed with me over it. Leto got me to drink dwarven ale, but it didn't stop the nightmares.

I'm terrified right now. Of the Architects. Of the First Lord. I'm not afraid of the mercenaries that chase Keanu. I'm not all that afraid of Galbeth or Tib. No, those two could be redeemed if I knew more. I'm afraid the Architects will keep coming after Yuo. I'm afraid of the First Lord being too strong for me to deal with. I can't be redeemed until I make it right.

If it's selfish to fight for myself, I'll fight for my friends. I'll fight for Yuo and make the world he wants to see. Keeping someone safe is what heroes do, right?

I know why I don't feel like a hero.