Entry

Well, I don't know how things could have possibly gone worse. I can vaguely remember going to Lagerton while holding hands with Yuo. We had left behind Jack, Faram, and Mie with the kids while we looked for information on Ur's Brewery. The marketplace was huge, and then Yuo went to get us some food.. and then nothing. Everything after that is a long, blurry dream. Fake memories of sweet domestic bliss. The exact kind of thing I've always wanted. A perfection I'll never reach. A loving family, getting to cook and clean beside someone else willing to teach me, and neighbors who like me. But I digress.

It's almost assured we were kidnapped. For me in particular, things could have been so much worse. I can't even imagine if I had been taken by followers of the First Lord. Or if Micaral hadn't been there to wake us up. Or if Yuo hadn't saved me at that moment. I was one blow away from death, two if I were being generous. I don't even think I did anything wrong. I just wasn't strong enough. Wasn't smart enough. I'm never going to be enough for this adventure.

Worse yet, this is another thing caused by the First Lord's power. By the fear the First Lord commands. By yet another aberrant like myself. Yet another psionic being that bears the same powers as myself. Doing terrible things I could do if I wanted. I'm beginning to understand that perhaps I really should have turned myself in, or never have left at all. The power I have is worse than playing with fire. It's playing with the cosmos and expecting to not break it all. I know I can resist that temptation with my free will, but what if that's taken from me? What if I lose myself?

I feel so unprepared. Father warned me this world will make me fight to be free. This world will be full of people who want to hurt me. This world will be full of challenges. I just hadn't expected such horrible things, one after another. A realm like Aleheim is hard to reach, and yet such a terrible thing could happen here, to me. What if we didn't get all of the False Hydra? What if Aleheim is lost because of the First Lord? Because of me? And of course, Tibby was here! Micaral couldn't even see him..

My friends had to be suffering while I lost an entire week. I can barely imagine the quiet panic on Yuo's face. Mie unable to come save us herself. Faram having lost his little family. I wonder if they feel like this is a debt paid? I had worked to save them from the positions they were in, and now they've saved me. I made a new friend too, I always seem to make new friends at least. I have that going for me in this otherwise downward spiral. I'm losing the willpower that Mie praised me for. I didn't even tell Micaral what I am. I want to trust him with that. I want to believe it'd be okay to tell him that. But what if it's not? What if he hates me for it? Sees me as a dangerous creature to kill? He wouldn't even be wrong. I am those things.

And Sparrowhawk Belo.. What do I do about him? I want to badly know what Larkwing is really like. Is he like Galbeth? Is it simply a family falling out? I had thought we could relate to having famous fathers but he was quick to shut me out. Maybe I should hide more. Make fewer friends. Fewer people for Orenoch and Tibby to hurt. Fewer people to cry when I die.

I still haven't decided what to do about Yuo and Mie now that I know I should have never intervened..

Ah, everything makes so much more sense when Yuo explains it. As long as I don't contact Orenoch we'll be fine. As long as I have him he won't let anything take me, or take control of me. I just need to hold his hand and be assured everything will be okay. It feels weird to write that after feeling so dire about everything, but leave it to him to make the universe feel alright again. Having him open up about his past was lovely, despite how terrible it sounds. I need to go to that bakery...

But I digress. I managed to give him a real, thoughtful kiss. His taste is.. interesting. Warm and soft. I'll probably be up all night thinking about the feel of his lips on mine. His cute embarrassment using true celestial. His warm smile talking about his old friends. His tender care for me.. I can't give that up. I could never. How did Mie not move on this? He's too sweet for the life he's had. Too radiant.

He also mentioned something about astral energy. Being an efficient conduit for it. I can't quite see what he does yet when I try to focus on it, but I'd like to. It's a fascinating new area of study and having him teach me will be fun! I wonder if I can learn true celestial as well. I want to know everything he does. He just knows so many cool things. Things I think I can do! So exciting. So much time I can spend with him.

I kind of want to kiss him again, too. With tongue this time. A Sharess kiss if I don't chicken out.